From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city’s annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

FactZone’s autistic reporter is in Washington DC where friends and family of a gunshot victim are crying and hugging in front of a corpse.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

Fans are worried that the feature film adaptation of the beloved trailer won’t live up to the original 90-second story's vision.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

On the next "Late Inning Drama": When manager Wally Wright’s daughter goes missing, he's in a real bases-loaded jam. But will he be able to pull her kidnappers before giving up a grand slam of extortion?

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:34 PM

If you’re painting with anything but Corrin's Team Colors, you're not painting for real.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

The local Onion affiliate in Pennington, IL reports the tire is basically new and there for the taking.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

In National Crystal Meth Hallucination League action, Rob Langer goes 20 rounds in a marathon 2-day match up against an army of fire-breathing snakes.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

Another finalist hopes to punch his ticket to Houston for the Final Four by making a mess of his girlfriend’s wedding dress and an epic pre-marriage dumping.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

The dumps are flying in! Check out your competition in OSN’s Dump Your Girlfriend contest with one of today's finalists.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

Life ran its winning streak to 345 million by beating salesman Dave Anderson, who after 54 years of drudgery, barely bothers getting out of bed anymore.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:33 PM

If you’re a Final Four fan, all you've got to do is humiliate your lady on camera, send it to OSN and you could be watching the games from the best seat in the house.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 10 2011 2:32 PM

The Wish Zone helps 9-year-old Phillies fan Allison Pencey scream offensive slurs at Mets third baseman David Wright. Featuring online bonus footage of even more of Allison’s vulgar ranting.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:31 PM

Collect the entire ONN News Patrol team as well as the all-new "Missing Sorority Girl" and "Noted Author Pundit" dolls.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:31 PM

The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:31 PM

In the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that a cob of bioengineered corn in Iowa begged to be killed.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:31 PM

In local news, a hero soldier from Pennington, IL is awarded for his service in Afghanistan barely ten years after he shit his pants in fourth grade.