From: The Onion on Thu, Jul 01 2010 6:21 PM

Susan Eckman from The National Archives comes on Today Now! to share newly discovered National Anthem verses about brutally decapitating enemies during the War of 1812.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 29 2010 6:12 PM

ONN’s Terrorism Expert Omar Al-Farouq explains how Al Qaeda's love for the beloved teen vampire series prevented the death of thousands.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 29 2010 6:10 AM

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 24 2010 5:44 PM

In June 1924 Representative Oliver Shaker (D) condemned government inaction on the issue of publicly exposed horse penis and proposed a law which would federallyr equire horses to wear modesty dresses.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 22 2010 5:40 PM

Officials say a positive E. coli test prompted the recall, affecting the Wharton family’s stores of ground beef, beef chuck, and rump roast.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 17 2010 4:35 PM

On Today Now!, 87-year-old Beverly DeAngeles gives tips for trapping a census worker in your home for as long as possible.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 10 2010 4:34 PM

A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 10 2010 4:34 PM

A troubling national report finds an increasing number of parents have found strange pipes, herbs, and other implements of shamanic activity in their teenagers' bedrooms.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 08 2010 4:34 AM

The paper says the new personalized articles target the interests of Massachusetts residents and final three Globe readers Michael Fisher, Camille Kresge, and Buddy.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 03 2010 7:04 PM

Jim and Tracy welcome fallen firefighter Logan Norelli’s wife on Today NOW! for a special tribute to a true American hero and total smokin' hottie.

From: The Onion on Thu, May 27 2010 4:31 PM

The bipartisan group of representatives who submitted the emergency bill late last night say they stand by it, though they don’t completely remember all of the details.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 25 2010 4:31 AM

Constitutional debate continues over whether public schools should include biblical Armageddon alongside global warming in end-of-world curriculum.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 17 2010 9:31 PM

The new feature reduces Google phone users' cell phone costs while providing them with unobtrusive, personalized ads delivered in a friendly whisper.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:41 PM

Movie-goers are flocking to buy advance tickets for the sequel, hoping to be among the first to see the rumored scene in which Paltrow gets brutally punched in the face.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Tulane University researchers say Quigley is now able to experience the crippling fear of impending death previously only accessible to humans.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

DEA Official Stephen Lovejoy says Matt Lovejoy was found in possession of 1/8th ounce of marijuana and a glass pipe in defiance of the law and his Mother.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Stouffers says the suicide prevention tips are available on all single serving microwavable dinners whether you enjoy veal parmigiana alone or beef stroganoff alone.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Suspect Alex Croft, who has a ton of black friends, planned to kill Obama because of his socialist agenda—not because of his skin color.