From: The Onion on Sat, Jul 16 2011 3:54 AM

China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It’s the week of July 11th, 2011.

From: The Onion on Fri, Jul 15 2011 1:27 AM

In today’s Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that Joe Biden has replaced his Secret Service detail with a trio of sexy female bodyguards.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jul 12 2011 9:14 PM

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

From: The Onion on Sat, Jul 09 2011 12:12 AM

Record industry refuses to claim credit for horrendous #1 song, The National Funk Congress is deadlocked on get up/get down issue, and the Chicago Bears reunite for the first time since the "Super Bowl Shuffle." It’s the week of July 4th, 2011.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jul 07 2011 10:14 PM

The FBI says the warning signs that Bay would eventually carry out a terrorist attack were startlingly obvious in retrospect.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 30 2011 9:25 PM

After 3 billion seasons on earth, Fall has been canceled, a shiny bobbing object fascinates the fish community, and a bee stuck between the screen and the front door is going fucking nuts.

From: The Onion on Wed, Jun 29 2011 5:34 PM

Prom king Trevor Wilson pumped three bullets into the quiet loner before he had a chance to think about turning on fellow students.

From: The Onion on Wed, Jun 29 2011 2:43 AM

Panelists debate whether the U.S. is doing enough to heed the warnings of coal industry scientists who say turbines could blow the Earth right into the sun.

From: The Onion on Sat, Jun 25 2011 6:01 AM

After a week of meritorious writing, reporting, and public service from America’s Finest News Source, the hard-working men and women at The Onion provide a concise multimedia roundup for the witless apes who award the Pulitzer Prize.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 21 2011 6:05 PM

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad explains how the harsh conditions in mining camps can require two men becoming one.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 16 2011 1:02 AM

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.

From: The Onion on Thu, Jun 16 2011 1:02 AM

Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before the film was made.

From: The Onion on Fri, Jun 10 2011 4:13 AM

Conservative Sen. Ronald North addresses rumors that he had an extramarital affair with a horse.

From: The Onion on Fri, Jun 10 2011 4:13 AM

TMZ has obtained shocking video of gay marriage opponent Sen. Ronald North and his horse mistress.

From: The Onion on Fri, Jun 10 2011 4:13 AM

TMZ has obtained shocking video of gay marriage opponent Sen. Ronald North and his horse mistress.

From: The Onion on Wed, Jun 08 2011 1:53 AM

Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

From: The Onion on Wed, Jun 08 2011 1:53 AM

Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 31 2011 11:44 PM

In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America’s problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 24 2011 7:29 PM

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 24 2011 7:29 PM

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.