From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Congress hopes the Pornographic Media Concealment Act will ensure a lasting, respectable legacy for our nation, unmarred by the massive quantities of filthy porn we regularly consume.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

In The Know panelists debate how a high quality product like the EZ-Go Juicer could be available at such a low, low price.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Live O-SPAN coverage of the 75th annual dinner with a special awards presentation to the crew who tirelessly buffed every inch of the White House State Floor this past winter.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

This spring on the Onion News Network '08 Presidential candidate and unabashed straight-shooter Joad Cressbeckler returns to tackle today’s toughest issues. America's Goin' Joad.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

A Hollywood insider since childhood, Barrymore finally reveals all in her new 42-page autobiographical coloring book. 

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

The former third party presidential candidate returns to helm 'The Cressbeckler Stance' and sound off on flannel-mouthed liars from Washington to Wall Street.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director’s bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Organizers say until there is absolute acceptance of breastfeeding, nursing moms must vigilantly expose their swollen, milk-sodden breasts everywhere from community cookouts to the local hardware store.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

From: The Onion on Mon, May 10 2010 6:40 PM

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

From: The Onion on Thu, Mar 18 2010 6:34 PM

Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

From: The Onion on Tue, Mar 16 2010 5:53 AM

The NCAA will investigate the Kentucky program for major recruiting violations including improper gifts of milk bones and rope tug toys.

From: The Onion on Fri, Mar 12 2010 1:06 AM

Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

From: The Onion on Tue, Mar 09 2010 5:45 AM

Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.