From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:24 PM

Doctors in the state will now be able to act like they’ve just given a woman an abortion and send her on her way.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:24 PM

WONN5 reports that hundreds turned out to support Pennington’s single gay resident Paul Webster.

From: The Onion on Wed, Mar 09 2011 6:24 PM

Congress has deemed yelling and screaming as the nation’s official mode of communication.

From: The Onion on Mon, Dec 27 2010 9:31 PM

In tense negotiations, the U.S. State Department agreed to grant the North Korean leader the role of Gotham’s Dark Knight Detective. The Onion News Network is coming to IFC on January 21 at 10pm.

From: The Onion on Thu, Dec 09 2010 9:21 AM

Panelists debate whether Duncan Birch is making a complete fool of himself on national television.

From: The Onion on Tue, Dec 07 2010 9:02 PM

Selection of the location for Paul McCartney’s funeral is generating anticipation for the mourning period following his death.

From: The Onion on Tue, Nov 30 2010 5:24 PM

Dissident Zhang Zhuohua fought against the repressive Chinese government which sought to squelch his right to post unflattering pictures of celebrities with penises drawn in their mouths.

From: The Onion on Tue, Nov 23 2010 5:05 PM

President Obama announces plans to deliver a two-hour speech explaining his reasons for granting clemency to Cranberry, the Thanksgiving turkey.

From: The Onion on Fri, Nov 19 2010 1:05 AM

The Onion News Network, the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, is coming to IFC in January 2011.

From: The Onion on Tue, Nov 16 2010 11:52 AM

President Obama’s proposed high-speed train system will be replaced with a fleet of buses that will rocket along highways at speeds up to 165 mph.

From: The Onion on Thu, Nov 11 2010 11:11 AM

Oprah’s biggest fans will be entombed alongside her in The Oprahmidion where they will bask in her wisdom for eternity.

From: The Onion on Tue, Nov 09 2010 11:07 AM

Onion News Network pundit Joad Cressbeckler warns Americans that genetically modifying crops may have  dangerous consequences.

From: The Onion on Tue, Nov 02 2010 11:40 AM

A new scam preys on the elderly by informing them they have died and instructing them to reroute their social security checks to the "Department of the Dead."

From: The Onion on Thu, Oct 28 2010 11:39 AM

In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.

From: The Onion on Tue, Oct 26 2010 11:38 AM

A bird expert visits Today Now! to show off the endangered Montana Merkel and discuss his efforts to save this incredibly annoying species.

From: The Onion on Tue, Oct 19 2010 11:28 AM

Ohio police have been inundated with false sightings of college-age girls with dyed blond hair, Ugg boots, purple nail polish, and oversized sunglasses.

From: The Onion on Thu, Oct 14 2010 12:08 PM

In The Know panelists discuss Obama’s failure to repair Americans' Bush-era reputation overseas as drunken belligerent assholes vomiting on ancient treasures.

From: The Onion on Tue, Oct 12 2010 12:02 PM

The vice president hopes the American women can join him for a discussion of the Middle Class Relief Act and some of his famous braised lamb.

From: The Onion on Tue, Oct 05 2010 11:24 AM

Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.

From: The Onion on Tue, Oct 05 2010 11:24 AM

Over 75% of an average American’s exercise now comes from drunkenly dancing, stealing street signs, and carrying home passed-out friends.