From: The Onion on Fri, Jun 12 2009 9:00 AM

Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you’d have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 09 2009 9:00 AM

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

From: The Onion on Fri, Jun 05 2009 9:02 AM

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it’d never been born.

From: The Onion on Tue, Jun 02 2009 8:52 AM

Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vaginas so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.

From: The Onion on Fri, May 29 2009 8:31 AM

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 26 2009 8:20 AM

Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.

From: The Onion on Fri, May 22 2009 12:20 PM

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 19 2009 8:34 AM

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

From: The Onion on Thu, May 14 2009 3:04 PM

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 12 2009 10:20 AM

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty’s antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

From: The Onion on Thu, May 07 2009 1:34 PM

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don’t even care about.

From: The Onion on Tue, May 05 2009 1:18 PM

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

From: The Onion on Thu, Apr 30 2009 12:37 PM

Uganda’s Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.

From: The Onion on Tue, Apr 28 2009 11:04 AM

On Auto Warriors two Ford plants will battle it out, building to the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!

From: The Onion on Fri, Apr 24 2009 3:24 AM

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.

From: The Onion on Thu, Apr 23 2009 12:57 PM

A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans dont do their own work.

From: The Onion on Thu, Apr 16 2009 6:36 AM

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.

From: The Onion on Tue, Apr 14 2009 3:12 PM

Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.

From: The Onion on Tue, Apr 07 2009 10:26 AM

Experts say Close Range sets a new standard for first-person shooter games with its vivid graphics and endless stream of exploding faces.

From: The Onion on Thu, Apr 02 2009 3:18 PM

After her best friend was killed by flying debris, Today Now host Tracy Gill dedicated her life to protecting other people from wind-borne rubble.